I feel like I’m emerging from an 18-month fog.

This isn’t a pandemic post. It goes without saying that everyone in the world has struggled and suffered and triumphed and (hopefully) survived the most surreal experience of our lives. My heart breaks for those who’ve died, and their loved ones who are left with only memories. But like I said, this post isn’t about that.

The past few years have felt like a roller coaster that keeps going faster and faster until there’s no way to climb off, I just have to hold on tight and hope I’m not flung into the ether, never to be seen again. (Although there were days that seemed like a nice alternative.) Some things were within my control, others were not, but all of them culminated this summer and I’m really really glad to have it all behind me. I’ve alternated between feeling like I’m failing at everything, to not caring that I’m failing at everything, to wishing I could just press pause on life and catch my breath.

What’s been going on? Well let me tell you.

Owen

Shortly after we moved into our new house a year ago, our beloved Miniature Schnauzer Owen first had 17 teeth removed, then three weeks later was diagnosed with cancer. They gave him 3-6 months to live and he endured a complete kitchen renovation while recovering from surgery. Everyone kept telling us that he would tell us when it was time, but as the months slipped by and his tumor came back and grew, his personality never wavered.

In May—at the six month mark from his diagnosis—we had family photos taken and he was as playful as ever. We celebrated his twelfth birthday at the end of June, and the following Monday he told us it was time. I didn’t expect the shift to be so drastic, but there was no mistaking that he had had enough.

This post was the hardest thing I’ve ever written.

As a pet parent, we know that the trade-off for the joy they bring is that we lose them much too soon. Owen was born within a week of my first due date (which ended in miscarriage) so he became my replacement for the child I never had. I knew I was setting myself up for heartache, but how could I not?

We’re doing much better than we expected, but the house has felt very empty without him. Now we’re looking forward to bringing another puppy into our home, and hope to share good news by the end of the year.

Job Search

In the midst of the pandemic, I discovered that I really like working from home. A lot. My writing career has taught me the art of self-discipline and as we gradually returned to the office, I realized how much more productive I am without distractions. (This will SHOCK those of you who know me well.)

I recently celebrated my sixth anniversary at my job, but over the summer came to the conclusion that I was ready for something new. I’ve loved working for an organization that is very well respected in my community, and I’ve loved getting to know so many people because of that, but it was time for a change.

As of today, I’m working for Penn State University’s World Campus! I’m part of a small team within a larger department within a huge marketing department, and I’ll be primarily creating content for emails and the website. I’m excited to be more focused in my responsibilities and working from home will help when we’re training a puppy! (See how these are all tied together?)

Most of you know how stressful job searches can be, and while I’m not going into that detail here, know that this process was no exception.

Book!

This one you already knew: I published another book last month! There was a point when we were grieving Owen and emailing back and forth with the flooring company and I had several interviews while juggling the demands of my day job that I just wanted to quit all of it. (My cousin died unexpectedly in this midst of all this, too.) I haven’t felt as engaged with my readers and the writing community, and I knew it was because I was burned out.

But I also knew that my publishing pace of one book per year is pretty slow compared to most indie authors, and as much as I just wanted to stop doing everything, I wasn’t ready to sacrifice the reputation I’ve established over the past nine years. So I powered through. My husband deserves a medal for putting up with me these past few months, because I have not been my best self. Far from it. I was drowning in a fog that made nothing and everything matter (yay anxiety!) and I found myself questioning every decision that’s led me to this point.

But I made it through.

And a couple unresolved issues:

Floors

That kitchen renovation I mentioned above? We also installed hardwood floors throughout our entire upstairs (kitchen, living room, and two bedrooms). They’re beautiful and just what we wanted, but we’ve had continuous problems, culminating with buckling so bad that we have speed bumps throughout the house. We’re still working to resolve this, but it’s making me CRAZY. I can’t get into more detail for reasons, but just know it’s very frustrating.

Breathe

My anxiety manifests by making it difficult for me to breathe, but it’s also hard to breathe when I exercise. I’ve been unsure if it was an issue with my heart or my lungs, and since I don’t want to be the active 46-year-old who dies from a heart attack, I decided to push my doctor to run a bunch of tests. After a pulmonary test and a stress test—both of which I passed—he said it might be exercise induced asthma and prescribed an inhaler. It worked the first couple times, but isn’t so much anymore, so this isn’t fully resolved.

Even though everything isn’t neatly tied off with a bow (because when is life ever like that?) I feel like I’ve made it through the hardest parts. *knock on wood* My life feels like it’s going to change drastically beginning TODAY, and it’s both exciting and terrifying. But I’ve not only survived big changes in the past, I’ve thrived, and I have no reason to expect this chapter of my life will be any different.

But I’ll take a little good luck just in case.